I Can Never Say I'm Sorry
by Believe4Ever
Summary: Rin has blamed himself for a lot of things for a long time, but there's one thing he'll never forgive himself for.


Rin stared at the grave in front of him. His insides were turning about, creating a feeling not unlike nausea, yet still somehow even worse. He couldn't describe exactly what emotion it was he was feeling, even if he tried. It was different from how he felt when faced with any other gravestone, where he'd normally feel a little sad at the thought of someone having lived their life and died, or sympathetic for the deceased. However at this moment, he felt a large sense of fear and despair, enough to suffocate him, and he couldn't escape it.

Nagisa Hazuki watched him from a distance, worry growing evident on his face. He was sitting in the entrance gate to the grave site, hand gently curled around the iron bar of the gate.

"Nagisa?"

The fair-haired boy turned, having been watching for so long that he forgot others could come if they'd liked. He saw Makoto standing high above him, looking down with a confused expression.

"Mako-chan," Nagisa greeted, standing. He brushed the dust from his pants and looked up at his friend with a neutral expression. The normally cheerful boy couldn't wipe the gloomy look from his face as he looked back over at Rin. 'I wasn't aware you were coming today."

"I thought I would just stop by but . . ." He shifted his gaze to the grave and his eyes fell on Rin. "Rin is still there?"

Nagisa nodded and gave a slow sigh, leaning against the gate with his hands hanging off the end. "He's been there since this morning. And the sun is going to set soon." He looked down and interlaced his fingers so his hands weren't hanging by flimsily. "I stopped by this morning and gave him a wrapped lunch, since it seemed like he was going to stay a while, but it doesn't look like he ate it." Sure enough, the brightly colored paper sat unwrapped beside Rin. "I hate to see him so depressed . . . I don't think we ever did."

"Angry, sure," Makoto added. "And he cried at the tournament . . . but this is far different."

Nagisa swallowed. "He blames himself, doesn't he?"

Makoto nodded and turned so his back was facing Rin and leaned against the low fence. He lowered his head a bit. "I blamed him at first too," he admitted quietly.

The fair-haired boy's eyes widened in surprise as his head turned to face his friend. "You did?"

"Of course I did!" Makoto bit his tongue and looked over his shoulder, sure that Rin had heard them, but the sharp-toothed boy hadn't even given a glance towards them. Makoto sighed and turned back around, rubbing the back of his neck.

"He didn't mean to," Nagisa whispered, voice quivering. "He didn't . . ." His voice trailed off and he had to wipe his eyes. He hated how much he'd been crying the past couple days.

"I know he didn't . . . but I still need someone to blame."

"That's human nature," a new voice added. The two swimmers looked over to see a familiar boy in glasses approaching them.

"Rei-chan," Nagisa greeted. Rei adjusted his glasses.

"We're always looking for a scapegoat," the blue-haired boy explained. "We always want a reason and we place the blame on someone or something because of it. It's okay to feel that way. Especially when you think about all that's happened."

Makoto looked back at Rin, lips pressed tightly into a flat line. "He hasn't even cried. Not even at the funeral."

Rin stared at the stone, so encased in his thoughts that he hadn't heard a word of the boys' conversation. He wasn't even aware that he was no longer alone. He didn't really mind. The sun was starting to set, and his stomach was aching with hunger, but he just continued to stare at the stone, thoughts swimming like the depths of a dark ocean.

"I'm sorry," Rin whispered, leaning forward and pressing his forehead against the cold stone. "I'm sorry Haru . . ."

()()()

"Quit cheating!" Rin shouted as he surfaced the water. Haru was already treading water, the weighted toy in his hand as he looked at his friend.

"I'm not cheating," Haruka answered simply. "I just swim faster than you."

The sharp-toothed boy gave his friend a glare as he snatched the toy out of Haru's hand. "I drop this into the ocean and it sinks to the bottom. We dive down at the same time and whoever retrieves it first wins."

"I know, we've been doing this for an hour."

"I will won!" Rin vowed as he dropped the toy once more. "Ready, set . . . go!"

Nagisa giggled as he watched his two friend dive into the ocean's depths once more. He was sitting on the beach's shore, in the middle of building a sand castle with Rei, who kept adjusting the sand to make it more aesthetically pleasing.

"Rin is so competitive," the blonde commented, smiling as Haru reached the surface already, the toy securely in his hand. "They've been at it for so long already."

"He's going to be sore tomorrow," Makoto agreed with a smile. He was sitting with Nagisa, eyeing the ocean every so often like it was dog who could bit him at any moment. Nagisa gave him a smile and patted his back.

"They both are, but Haru won't complain about it. Mako-chan, do you wanna build a sand castle?"

Rin surfaced, coughing a little as he had been under for longer than he normally was, and glared when he found Haru was there already.

"How can you possibly find it so fast?" Rin demanded.

"You only look around. You need to actually get down the floor and search through the seaweed. Look around where the toy dropped and it should be straight down."

Rin considered it a moment before grinning with his sharp teeth glinting. "All right! One more time!" He took the toy and tossed it a couple yards away. He waited a couple moments, allowing the toy to sink to the bottom, before he announced, "Go!"

Haru dove underneath the water, feeling the salt rub against his skin and the water encase him like a second skin. This was why he loved the water. It was so natural to him, and he felt like it would speak to him, guiding the way.

He reached the bottom and skimmed along with sand. Seaweed tickled his bare stomach, sending shivers down his spine. He wasn't used to seaweed, since he'd been swimming in the pool all year. Still, he almost enjoyed the foreign feeling and he rolled over in the vegetation, almost smiling at their tickling touch. The sand fell away at his touch like it repelled human contact.

Haru decided to go get a quick breath before he came down to search more—he knew Rin would be too caught up in winning to find the toy that quickly. He pushed up from the floor to go towards the surface when he found that he couldn't move his foot. He looked down, confused, and found seaweed wrapped around his ankle, like they didn't want him to leave. He tugged at the grip and quickly found that he was stuck.

He struggled against the grip on his ankle. Normally he'd be calm about a situation like this, but already his lungs were burning and he was beginning to feel alarmed, reaching out towards the surface as though that could save him.

The seaweed wouldn't rip, no matter how hard he tugged at it or twisted about. He also couldn't figure out how to free his ankles from the entanglement. He was trapped, far away from the sweet air that his body was craving and whining for.

_Rin! _Haru though, fear numbing his thoughts and his head beginning to spin. A couple bubbles escaped his mouth as he tried to call for his friend, which only made his lungs feel worse. _Just someone . . . I can't . . ._

"I won!" Rin cheered as he broke the surface. He held up the toy in triumph. "I finally won, Haru!" He looked around, giving a frown. "Haru?" He moved up his goggles. A sudden fear stabbed in his chest and he whipped around. "Haru! Stop playing!"

The fear instantly became suffocating and the boy dove under once more, looking around the water for his friend. He couldn't have been far from the toy. He was always so good at finding it so . . .

_There!_

Rin spotted Haru struggling by the field of seaweed. He swam over and gripped his friend's shoulders. Haru looked up and his eyes settled on him, but it took a moment for him to make the connection. His reactions were sluggish and Rin could only assume that he needed air, and fast.

Rin clung down to Haru's feet and began untangling the plants as quickly as he could, sometimes using his sharp teeth to cut through the plant. He finally got Haru's feet free and he hooked his arms underneath his friend's and shot up toward the surface.

"Haru!" he gasped, holding his friend afloat. "Haru, say something!"

When his friend didn't respond, Rin kicked toward the shore. He could barely breathe, hoping and wishing and _begging _that Haruka would be okay.

"Help!" he screamed as his feet hit the ground and he could walk onto the dry beach. _"Help!"_

The others' attentions were immediately attracted and they took off toward Rin's voice, already feeling scared by the panic in his voice.

"Haru-chan!" Nagisa gasped, running with the others to where Rin was dragging their friend onto the shore. Haru wasn't moving and Rin looked thoroughly shaken up as he collapsed down onto his knees.

"What happened?" Makoto demanded as he knelt down beside his friend.

"He was caught underwater," Rin explained, choking on his own words. He wiped his hair back from his eyes as he watched, worry and terror overcoming him, so badly that he could barely put together his words. "The seaweed got twisted around his ankles."

Makoto let a hand hover over Haru's mouth while he pressed his ear against Haru's chest. After just a couple seconds, he lifted his head, trying not to look too panicked as he began compressions on the boy's chest. "He's not breathing."

Rin's eyes grew wide as he fell back onto the sand. He felt utterly useless, watching Makoto perform CPR on their friend. His fingers dug into the sand that was coating his wet body. It couldn't be happening . . . Haru was a free swimmer. Something like the ocean couldn't overtake him and . . .

Nagisa clutched Rei's arm as he watched. He knew that Haru was the best swimmer there and yet he had . . . drowned? That didn't even seem possible. Rei gave a small glance down at the small boy on his arm but made no move to push him away as he normally would in any other circumstance. Instead he laid his free hand over Nagisa's as a form of comfort. He was dialing for an ambulance while Makoto worked.

"You can't leave, Haru," Makoto grunted. He leant down and blew into Haru's mouth. "We still need you here."

After two more rounds of compressions, Makoto let his hands drop and he sat back, head hanging in defeat. Haru's lips were tinted blue.

"Why did you stop . . .?" Rin hissed, looking up at the swim captain. Makoto looked over, defeated and a tired look glowing in his eyes.

"He's gone," the tall boy choked, looking back at his friend. "I can't . . . He's gone." Nagisa made a small noise and pressed his face into Rei's shoulder.

"You can't just give up!" Rin snapped. He got up on his knees and began his own set of compressions. Makoto just let out a tiny sigh and shook his head.

"Stop, Rin," Makoto whispered.

"No." Rin bent down and blew air into Haru's mouth. He couldn't let Haru down. He'd never really apologized for everything he'd done. He'd never said how he was stupid for saying he'd give up on swimming, or how he never meant any of the harsh words he'd told him, or anything. He _had _to tell Haru. He couldn't just let it go . . .

"Rin. Stop, please." The boy just ignored Makoto. "Rin. Stop!" Makoto grabbed Rin's arm, stopping him forcibly. Rin looked up, face blank. "He's gone."

Rin kept his gaze focused tightly on Makoto before looking back down at Haru's blank face. The shark-toothed boy pushed back onto the sand, just staring in silence as the ambulance pulled up far from the shore.

()()()

Rin stood, the first movement he'd made all day. He stood frozen for a moment, still staring at the stone and letting the feelings well up in his mind, suddenly pressing up against his skull and creating such pressure in his chest that he felt he would throw up at any moment.

"Damn it!" Rin shrieked, bringing his foot up and kicking the grave as hard as his leg would allow. He ignored the pain shooting through his toes and kicked it again.

"Rin!" Makoto shouted, alarmed, and running over. He grabbed the boy around the waist and tried to pull him back. "Stop it!"

"Damn it, damn it!" the boy screamed again, kicking once more and struggling to get away from the larger boy's grip. His arms flailed and he fought using his whole body, twisting and trying to get out. Rei and Nagisa ran over to help Makoto, pulling Rei back from Haruka's grave.

"Rin, please, stop!" Nagisa cried, gripping the boy's arm, which kept jerking about, trying to hit any of them.

"Let go of me!" Rin screamed, trying to head butt Makoto behind him, but the boy easily avoided any injury. "Let me go!"

"Calm down!" Rei ordered, trying to help Makoto to pull him away.

"Rin, please," Nagisa begged. "This is a sacred place!"

Rin fought for a minute longer, ignoring their pleas until he finally ran out of energy and melted down, resting flimsily in Makoto's tight grip. His head hung and he began to cry, quietly and first, until his body shook with each low sob.

"It's my fault," he whimpered as Makoto slowly set him down. He sat on his knees and tears ran down his face like floods. "I'm the reason why h-he died . . . me . . . I couldn't do anything and I—I killed him . . ." He let out a loud sob and bent lower so his head was almost pressed against the stone ground, arms wrapped around his middle as he cried. "Because of me Haruka is . . .!"

Makoto looked down, closing his eyes and unable to say anything in response. Rei and Nagisa were similar, though Nagisa was obviously struggling to find something to say.

"It's because of me," Rin said again, quieter but still shakily. "I'm sorry, Haru, I'm so sorry . . ."

It was dark before Rin finally stopped crying. The three boys still stayed with him, and by the time the moon was shining above them, the four of them were sitting around Haru's grave, Rin leaning against Makoto and Nagisa rubbing his back comfortingly.

"I never got to apologize for anything," Rin whispered. "He died still thinking I was an ass."

"But he didn't," Makoto answered quietly. "He always knew you were a good person, Rin. He was the one who invited you to swim with us at the tournament . . . He suggested you come with us to the ocean. He always wanted you with us.

Rin closed his eyes. "You're just saying that."

"He's not, though," Rei spoke up. "Haruka had a very high opinion of you, Rin. He was always proud of you. He wanted you to be the best you could be and to never give up. And you never did; you always worked hard with swimming and you didn't even want to give up on him when . . ." He looked down, not wanting to speak of the incident.

Rin stared at Rei with an unsettling gaze until he finally turned back toward the grave. _Haruka Nanase _was written on the stone in bold print, staring at them and it felt like a punch in the face. Rin didn't think he'd ever get used to seeing those two words printed on a gravestone, but he knew he couldn't let it hold him down forever either. He would just suffocate and drown like Haru, in his own little way. He had to just release it and swim forward, toward the surface. He had to move on.

"I'm sorry, Haruka," Rin said again.

For the final time.

* * *

**Reviews are very much appreciated as this is my first Free! fic and I would like to know if I stuck with the characters...I haven't watched the anime in a couple weeks and I feel rusty.**


End file.
